'You are the heroes. You are heroes everyday. For what you do, for standing up, for speaking out.'
-Brooke Souder
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Post 24
When I Dream
When I dream,
I see horrifying things.
Things you can’t imagine,
Things that make me scream.
When I dream,
I remember what was lost.
My innocence, my life.
They took from me what I can’t get back.
When I dream,
I see things that haunt me
And things that cause me to cry.
When I dream,
I remember what he took.
He took my trust
He crushed everything I had inside.
When I dream,
The things I see
Make me want to crawl out of my flesh.
I want to scream!
When I wish,
I wish it was all one bad dream.
-Kerry
When I dream,
I see horrifying things.
Things you can’t imagine,
Things that make me scream.
When I dream,
I remember what was lost.
My innocence, my life.
They took from me what I can’t get back.
When I dream,
I see things that haunt me
And things that cause me to cry.
When I dream,
I remember what he took.
He took my trust
He crushed everything I had inside.
When I dream,
The things I see
Make me want to crawl out of my flesh.
I want to scream!
When I wish,
I wish it was all one bad dream.
-Kerry
Post 23
Dating/relationships are hard due to what I've been through. There was an incident when I first went away to college and a lot of things happened to me when I was a kid as well. I've never been able to talk about what I went through as a child so I'm going to start what happened in college. Here goes...
I didn't grow up in the easiest family situation. My Dad's an alcoholic and he and Mom were always fighting. He also threw us around from time to time. When I graduated from high school, I just wanted to get away. I began college the fall of 2000 and everything started off great. I loved my dorm, my classes, my professors, went through recruitment and got into the best sorority on campus, it was just perfect. I felt happy and accepted for the first time in my life. Looking back I think: "Fucking idiot, you should have known it was too good to be true. How could you let your guard down like that?".
A few days after I accepted my sorority bid, I went to a fraternity party with some of my new "sisters". At some point, something was slipped into my drink. When the drug took effect, I was taken to a field and was raped for several hours by numerous people. I wasn't conscious the entire time but was during a lot of it. What I remember is pretty fucked up and I'm not getting into that at this point.
I actually did go to the police and went through with the rape investigation. It was a big mistake and another fucking nightmare. I went through that hell for nothing. In the end, the guys who drugged and raped me got away with it. I wound up transferring to another college.
-Anonymous
I didn't grow up in the easiest family situation. My Dad's an alcoholic and he and Mom were always fighting. He also threw us around from time to time. When I graduated from high school, I just wanted to get away. I began college the fall of 2000 and everything started off great. I loved my dorm, my classes, my professors, went through recruitment and got into the best sorority on campus, it was just perfect. I felt happy and accepted for the first time in my life. Looking back I think: "Fucking idiot, you should have known it was too good to be true. How could you let your guard down like that?".
A few days after I accepted my sorority bid, I went to a fraternity party with some of my new "sisters". At some point, something was slipped into my drink. When the drug took effect, I was taken to a field and was raped for several hours by numerous people. I wasn't conscious the entire time but was during a lot of it. What I remember is pretty fucked up and I'm not getting into that at this point.
I actually did go to the police and went through with the rape investigation. It was a big mistake and another fucking nightmare. I went through that hell for nothing. In the end, the guys who drugged and raped me got away with it. I wound up transferring to another college.
-Anonymous
Post 22
So Cold (triggering)
In the exam room
So cold…
Damn paper gown does
Not cover anything…
I wish they would
Have told me what
Was gonna happen…
Old man in white
Snapping latex gloves
He muttered and scowled
To the nurse (like I wasn’t in the room)
“not a damn thing.”
(God damn her, lying neurotic weirdo, for wasting my precious administrators and time)
“Excuse me mister? Have you found it yet?”
I asked.
“Found what?” he asked.
(My dignity of course. You seem to have forgotten that I am a real person laying here on this bed.)
“What you’re looking for.” I answer.
Standing abruptly, he dismissed me for a worthier trauma.
I am so cold…
-Kerry
In the exam room
So cold…
Damn paper gown does
Not cover anything…
I wish they would
Have told me what
Was gonna happen…
Old man in white
Snapping latex gloves
He muttered and scowled
To the nurse (like I wasn’t in the room)
“not a damn thing.”
(God damn her, lying neurotic weirdo, for wasting my precious administrators and time)
“Excuse me mister? Have you found it yet?”
I asked.
“Found what?” he asked.
(My dignity of course. You seem to have forgotten that I am a real person laying here on this bed.)
“What you’re looking for.” I answer.
Standing abruptly, he dismissed me for a worthier trauma.
I am so cold…
-Kerry
Post 21
I AM WORTHY
I no longer feel like a second class citizen or that I don't exist. It's my right to feel deserving of spiritual fulfillment, tranquility, happiness, creativity, the freedom to make choices, and, love. It is my responsibility to myself. I am a good person with faults. I am doing my personal homework. By homework I mean I've taken inventory of myself and to my surprise discovered that I'm strong, patient, intelligent and fully capable of doing things I was terrified of doing before.
I have been through more than my fair share of grief and trauma. Some of it, I brought on myself. My inability to see the truth about myself caused me to make impulsive, self defeating decisions. My actions haven't always been healthy ones, even if they started out with the best of intentions.
I am a kind person. I see nothing wrong with helping people or caring deeply. But, I have learned where to draw the line and when to realize that I am hurting myself or ignoring my own needs.
I'm learning more every day. I am becoming more aware every day. I now know that nobody has the right to tell me that I am "not worthy" or deserving, or treat me in a way as to imply that my self worth is not important.
It is.
It is necessary for my survival.
it is necessary to being a woman of strength, character and moral convictions. To be courageous enough to act on feelings you know to be true to you.
And wise enough to know when to walk away and let go.
I'm a work in progress. we all are.There is no such thing as perfection.
But, I am turning into the kind of woman and mother I was always in awe of.
I am a role model for my daughter. She will raised with these strengths and grow up to be a woman of substance.
From what I've seen so far, I am on the right path.
Nobody can block my way.
Nobody can stop me from moving forward. Only I can do that and I will not let myself.
My Spirit. My Voice. My Heart tells me, "Lisa! You are worthy.GO!!!"
Go with strength women. Love, Lisa
I no longer feel like a second class citizen or that I don't exist. It's my right to feel deserving of spiritual fulfillment, tranquility, happiness, creativity, the freedom to make choices, and, love. It is my responsibility to myself. I am a good person with faults. I am doing my personal homework. By homework I mean I've taken inventory of myself and to my surprise discovered that I'm strong, patient, intelligent and fully capable of doing things I was terrified of doing before.
I have been through more than my fair share of grief and trauma. Some of it, I brought on myself. My inability to see the truth about myself caused me to make impulsive, self defeating decisions. My actions haven't always been healthy ones, even if they started out with the best of intentions.
I am a kind person. I see nothing wrong with helping people or caring deeply. But, I have learned where to draw the line and when to realize that I am hurting myself or ignoring my own needs.
I'm learning more every day. I am becoming more aware every day. I now know that nobody has the right to tell me that I am "not worthy" or deserving, or treat me in a way as to imply that my self worth is not important.
It is.
It is necessary for my survival.
it is necessary to being a woman of strength, character and moral convictions. To be courageous enough to act on feelings you know to be true to you.
And wise enough to know when to walk away and let go.
I'm a work in progress. we all are.There is no such thing as perfection.
But, I am turning into the kind of woman and mother I was always in awe of.
I am a role model for my daughter. She will raised with these strengths and grow up to be a woman of substance.
From what I've seen so far, I am on the right path.
Nobody can block my way.
Nobody can stop me from moving forward. Only I can do that and I will not let myself.
My Spirit. My Voice. My Heart tells me, "Lisa! You are worthy.GO!!!"
Go with strength women. Love, Lisa
Post 20
I really can’t say when I started being abused; it was really as though I was born into abuse. My mom told me that my dad had admitted to molesting me when I was 18 months old. He was an alcoholic and he used this as one of his reasons to act out violently towards me. I thought the way he treated me was the way all fathers acted towards their daughters. When I was 5 years old, he told me I was pregnant, and after I bled heavily after he penetrated me with some kind of tool, he told me I killed the baby. I carried a lot of guilt for many years. I didn’t understand that physically, it was impossible for me to be pregnant. I have been in denial for many years about what he did to me. He loved me. He was my father, he would never do anything to hurt me. That was what I always told myself. It has only been recently that I have realized that what he did was wrong. A few weeks ago I found a tape that he made of the abuse. A lot of what I saw, were things that I didn’t remember, other parts of it brought a flood of memories back. A father that pours hot wax on her child’s genitals is not doing this out of love. With the help of therapy, I am beginning to see the reality to my situation. I realize that when I tried to commit suicide at the age of 5, because I was afraid of my father, clearly shows that he failed to make me feel safe and protected; a duty that all parents have. I’m moving on from what happened to me. I’m beginning to realize that I am truly a beautiful person, and I deserve to be happy. What he did does not define me. I’m currently attending University, with the goal of getting my doctorate in psychology. I truly want to help people. I believe that the experiences that I have had as a child have helped me have to have a different outlook on people around me. I am more compassionate and understanding towards people who seem just plain grumpy. Everyone has their own story, and to keep this in mind, makes it easier to love the people around you who seem angry and unhappy.
-Lindsey
-Lindsey
Post 19
All this started several months ago when I added the documentary Searching for Angela Shelton to my Netflix watch instantly queue. I work 3p-11p, my schedule sucks because I'm not ready to go to bed when I get home and the rest of the world is. So during my shift I often look for a movie to watch when I get home and somehow unintentionally I must have added this one (and obviously watched it). To say it "changed my life" or was "fate" sounds pretty melodramatic especially for me; however, I guess it kinda did or was.
It took me several days to watch the entire film, the best analogy I can give is that it was like hitting a brick wall. My first thought was: "I'm doing great now, I graduated college, have a stable job, bought my own condo, have great friends, and am basically a stable and functional person. So why bring this shit up now? It's over!" This thought still continuously crosses my mind on a daily basis. However, when being completely honest with myself, I know things are not all OK. Sure, I have great friends and a best friend who knows everything about my past and would do ANYTHING for me in an instant. The thing is that none of my close friends have been through what I have (which is a good thing, I wouldn't wish this on anyone); therefore, they can't relate to me. In fact, I haven't even talked to my best friend about this stuff in over six years because it upsets her so much. I'm not saying that she makes it about herself or anything but I can imagine it's hard to hear this stuff. You know what I mean?...
For the first time in my life I have connected with people who understand what I’ve been through. Being raised under the “suffer in silence” and “get over it and move on” philosophies, talking about what I’ve been through is a work in process. However, I know it’s a move in the right direction. My new friends totally rock. I really appreciate you all and Squish!
-Anonymous
It took me several days to watch the entire film, the best analogy I can give is that it was like hitting a brick wall. My first thought was: "I'm doing great now, I graduated college, have a stable job, bought my own condo, have great friends, and am basically a stable and functional person. So why bring this shit up now? It's over!" This thought still continuously crosses my mind on a daily basis. However, when being completely honest with myself, I know things are not all OK. Sure, I have great friends and a best friend who knows everything about my past and would do ANYTHING for me in an instant. The thing is that none of my close friends have been through what I have (which is a good thing, I wouldn't wish this on anyone); therefore, they can't relate to me. In fact, I haven't even talked to my best friend about this stuff in over six years because it upsets her so much. I'm not saying that she makes it about herself or anything but I can imagine it's hard to hear this stuff. You know what I mean?...
For the first time in my life I have connected with people who understand what I’ve been through. Being raised under the “suffer in silence” and “get over it and move on” philosophies, talking about what I’ve been through is a work in process. However, I know it’s a move in the right direction. My new friends totally rock. I really appreciate you all and Squish!
-Anonymous
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