Thursday, April 21, 2011

Hello out there...

I always feel weird blogging because I don't feel like my life is interesting enough.

New things happening

• I'm in two productions coming up
• I work as a pet care specialist
• Getting new glasses (transitions)
• My car is a money pit!
• Trying to figure out how to make the rest if my life happen!

I have so many ideas, plans, and dreams! Making them happen though is a daunting task. I have so much in my shoulders dealing with the memories. I'm so exhausted with my one job and it all goes to foods and rent. I mentally don't think I could handle a second job. Last summer all I did was work work work and it was so hard I had no time. worked early am till 10pm then started again early the next morning. It was rough and I didn't make nearly enough was hard labor.

So I'm just not sure where this post is going but it cleared some thoughts so I can sleep.

Nite nite...happy faces in the morning!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Good Juju

holy my day has been eventful...went to school to find out it was professional day...then came home to get into a big fight with my mom...a bit about the tattoo and some other crap then I went to catch the bus cause I have an appt at three made it to the half way point where I switch busses and the other bus takes off before I can get to it and ignores the radio calls. So I just have a mini break down and start crying and sit on a bench outside walmart and this man come up to me and asks if I am okay and in my head I hear a clear voice saying let him help you and the warmth I felt when I was doing the heart things with christine so I tell him what happened with the bus and he says I know I am a stranger but can i give you a ride. normally it would be an automatic no but it just felt so right. So I said yes with out hesitation then in the car I told him I normally don't take rides from strangers but he had a good guy vibe(how I explained it to him) Turns out he is a massage therapist and works with teens at the LOCAL Y! crazy!
So I am moving some place not sure where yet...where is my dolphin? My mom told me I have six months and I know she will take it back but I am tried of being thats where I am at now...haha hopfully that dolphin comes around soon...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Post 25: The End

'You are the heroes. You are heroes everyday. For what you do, for standing up, for speaking out.'

-Brooke Souder

Post 24

When I Dream

When I dream,
I see horrifying things.
Things you can’t imagine,
Things that make me scream.

When I dream,
I remember what was lost.
My innocence, my life.
They took from me what I can’t get back.

When I dream,
I see things that haunt me
And things that cause me to cry.

When I dream,
I remember what he took.
He took my trust
He crushed everything I had inside.

When I dream,
The things I see
Make me want to crawl out of my flesh.
I want to scream!
When I wish,
I wish it was all one bad dream.

Post 23

Dating/relationships are hard due to what I've been through. There was an incident when I first went away to college and a lot of things happened to me when I was a kid as well. I've never been able to talk about what I went through as a child so I'm going to start what happened in college. Here goes...

I didn't grow up in the easiest family situation. My Dad's an alcoholic and he and Mom were always fighting. He also threw us around from time to time. When I graduated from high school, I just wanted to get away. I began college the fall of 2000 and everything started off great. I loved my dorm, my classes, my professors, went through recruitment and got into the best sorority on campus, it was just perfect. I felt happy and accepted for the first time in my life. Looking back I think: "Fucking idiot, you should have known it was too good to be true. How could you let your guard down like that?".

A few days after I accepted my sorority bid, I went to a fraternity party with some of my new "sisters". At some point, something was slipped into my drink. When the drug took effect, I was taken to a field and was raped for several hours by numerous people. I wasn't conscious the entire time but was during a lot of it. What I remember is pretty fucked up and I'm not getting into that at this point.

I actually did go to the police and went through with the rape investigation. It was a big mistake and another fucking nightmare. I went through that hell for nothing. In the end, the guys who drugged and raped me got away with it. I wound up transferring to another college.


Post 22

So Cold (triggering)

In the exam room
So cold…
Damn paper gown does
Not cover anything…
I wish they would
Have told me what
Was gonna happen…
Old man in white
Snapping latex gloves
He muttered and scowled
To the nurse (like I wasn’t in the room)
“not a damn thing.”
(God damn her, lying neurotic weirdo, for wasting my precious administrators and time)
“Excuse me mister? Have you found it yet?”
I asked.
“Found what?” he asked.
(My dignity of course. You seem to have forgotten that I am a real person laying here on this bed.)
“What you’re looking for.” I answer.
Standing abruptly, he dismissed me for a worthier trauma.
I am so cold…

Post 21

I no longer feel like a second class citizen or that I don't exist. It's my right to feel deserving of spiritual fulfillment, tranquility, happiness, creativity, the freedom to make choices, and, love. It is my responsibility to myself. I am a good person with faults. I am doing my personal homework. By homework I mean I've taken inventory of myself and to my surprise discovered that I'm strong, patient, intelligent and fully capable of doing things I was terrified of doing before.

I have been through more than my fair share of grief and trauma. Some of it, I brought on myself. My inability to see the truth about myself caused me to make impulsive, self defeating decisions. My actions haven't always been healthy ones, even if they started out with the best of intentions.
I am a kind person. I see nothing wrong with helping people or caring deeply. But, I have learned where to draw the line and when to realize that I am hurting myself or ignoring my own needs.

I'm learning more every day. I am becoming more aware every day. I now know that nobody has the right to tell me that I am "not worthy" or deserving, or treat me in a way as to imply that my self worth is not important.
It is.
It is necessary for my survival.
it is necessary to being a woman of strength, character and moral convictions. To be courageous enough to act on feelings you know to be true to you.
And wise enough to know when to walk away and let go.

I'm a work in progress. we all are.There is no such thing as perfection.
But, I am turning into the kind of woman and mother I was always in awe of.
I am a role model for my daughter. She will raised with these strengths and grow up to be a woman of substance.
From what I've seen so far, I am on the right path.
Nobody can block my way.
Nobody can stop me from moving forward. Only I can do that and I will not let myself.
My Spirit. My Voice. My Heart tells me, "Lisa! You are worthy.GO!!!"

Go with strength women. Love, Lisa