I don't have much memory at all until around the age of 5 or 6. And at around this time I began my life of Survival Mode. Three choices; Confused and numb, Frightened and numb, or just plain Numb.
I experienced multiple-incest, other sexual abuse, domestic violence, psychological manipulation and control, and neglect. I learned to wear deceitful masks to hide the pain and secrets. After all, my family appeared “normal”, and they Demanded it appear 'normal'.
Controlled by fear by both parents, I pushed it all back, or down, as best I could, but I was a very sensitive child. My childhood experience was that of knowing sadness and loneliness, and of feeling “paralyzed” (emotionally and mentally). Dead in my head and heart. I was confused, couldn’t pay attention, and I struggle still, with lost time.. memory retention issues, and memory blocks.
I have struggled with low self esteem, major depressive disorders, acute social anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks, eating disorders, addiction, alcoholism, promiscuity, prostitution, and suicidal tendencies. School and work performance suffered, and relationships suffered.
For many years, I didn't understand What was happening to me, or Why I felt so sad and “crazy”. I couldn't put it all together. Couldn't make the connection that it stemmed from childhood abuses and teachings. Both parents continued to manipulate me with psychological control, even up until about this time last year! I was 50 years old by this time. I didn't know that's what they were doing. I was lost in this fog since very young, and it would be decades before tiny bits of understanding would come to me, like tiny puzzle pieces, but they came too few and too far between.
At about age 35, I found myself on a spiritual path. I didn't know that's where I was, I didn't even know What it was, or meant. Kinder souls started showing up in my “environment”, and I began to know and understand spiritual connection. A whole different world from what I had always known.
I have been learning to peel away the layers of the hardened ill-fated shell of existence, reacquainting myself with who and what I really am, and was within all along. I worked on learning healthier ways of living, learning coping techniques to try and bring things into balance. I got sober. I had to leave a relationship of 18 years where I realized I was not understood, or supported. I resolved to simplify my life. There was just way too much anxiety, pain, depression, and craziness. I couldn’t keep even the simplest things straight. It has not been easy. The world doesn’t wait, and I’m not good at catching curve-balls. My mental capacity had been diminished.
It has taken me a long time to get where I am. I am what some people refer to as a Shut-In, and have spent much of the last few years connecting with loving, caring, people across the world through the internet, and I now enjoy long time cherished relationships with people I not only call my friends, but - my Family. Then came Facebook, and last October of '09.
Mackenzie Phillips disclosed her story, a friend told me, and I began a search online. And, through Facebook, I found and joined several support groups, and have met many amazing people, and enjoy the online company of some pretty wonderful friends who lift me up with their love, strength, bravery, and encouragement, and I am now able to stand as they stand with me.
Some of it is still painful as I work through the issues, but speaking out and telling the truth is So Liberating!! And, if I can help someone else know that they are not alone just as I have been helped, well.. then I'll feel like I have accomplished something Real.
To my family of friends - Thank You! - I Am So Blessed.. And, I am Forever, So Grateful!
Namaste’
Angela
1 comment:
I know it's hard to realize that our families are still doing it to us. so glad you have found friends online. to many of us stay shut in because of our childhoods and fears we still carry even today. I just turned 58 and still have them
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