Post 20

I really can’t say when I started being abused; it was really as though I was born into abuse. My mom told me that my dad had admitted to molesting me when I was 18 months old. He was an alcoholic and he used this as one of his reasons to act out violently towards me. I thought the way he treated me was the way all fathers acted towards their daughters. When I was 5 years old, he told me I was pregnant, and after I bled heavily after he penetrated me with some kind of tool, he told me I killed the baby. I carried a lot of guilt for many years. I didn’t understand that physically, it was impossible for me to be pregnant. I have been in denial for many years about what he did to me. He loved me. He was my father, he would never do anything to hurt me. That was what I always told myself. It has only been recently that I have realized that what he did was wrong. A few weeks ago I found a tape that he made of the abuse. A lot of what I saw, were things that I didn’t remember, other parts of it brought a flood of memories back. A father that pours hot wax on her child’s genitals is not doing this out of love. With the help of therapy, I am beginning to see the reality to my situation. I realize that when I tried to commit suicide at the age of 5, because I was afraid of my father, clearly shows that he failed to make me feel safe and protected; a duty that all parents have. I’m moving on from what happened to me. I’m beginning to realize that I am truly a beautiful person, and I deserve to be happy. What he did does not define me. I’m currently attending University, with the goal of getting my doctorate in psychology. I truly want to help people. I believe that the experiences that I have had as a child have helped me have to have a different outlook on people around me. I am more compassionate and understanding towards people who seem just plain grumpy. Everyone has their own story, and to keep this in mind, makes it easier to love the people around you who seem angry and unhappy.

-Lindsey