The Beginning

The Beginning
I don’t remember what day of the week it was. But, I remember feeling like I never have before. I guess the first thing to happen was seeing the Oprah episode with Mackenzie Phillips. Don’t ask me why I watched this. I don’t like Oprah, I didn’t really know who Mackenzie was but it caught my interest when they mentioned The Mamas and the Papas and that whole “family secret” thing, that could have just been television drama to get viewers. I watched this show and was speechless. She seemed so together on national TV talking about this. I couldn’t even imagine being in her shoes. Unlike the comments you see on the internet, the first thought in my mind was not that she was trying to make money and ruin her dad’s name. I identified with her for some reason. I could understand why she waited until now to come out with this. I was able to read Mackenzie’s book in October 2009. My therapist noticed that I appeared to be strangely connected to Mackenzie, someone who I knew very little about prior to watching Oprah. I could practically hear myself saying some of the things written in her book. While I did not become a full blown drug addict, likely due to parental intervention and threatening, I used drugs to deal with my life and the problems that I didn’t know were problems. I struggle with self injury and it’s true, addiction is addiction. When I feel like cutting, I try to remember nothing is bad enough that I need to hurt myself. It has been working for the most part and one day I will say this is behind me.

I’m not really sure when I stumbled across Angela Shelton…I think it was in February or March of this year. I should remember the date, like one would remember a sobriety date, because it changed my life. I think I heard about her through someone on the Mackenzie Phillips fan page, but then it gets a little fuzzy. For the longest time, I didn’t think I fit in with this group of people because the things that happened to me were not textbook abuse. I finally decided to share pieces of what happened on other blogathons and people told me I was a survivor. In my heart, I didn’t believe them but I also had some validation for my feelings that I have never had before. When my mother found out about what I was doing, she snubbed her nose and said I wasn’t abused. My dad mocked me. Maybe I wasn’t abused at the hands of a family member, or raped, but I definitely had things happen that have shaped my self esteem and who I am. I have this pull towards some special people I’ve met through Angela Shelton and they know who they are. I’ve learned a lot about not comparing and I know that I wouldn’t have anything in common with these girls had it not been for my past.
SQUISH! -Amy